Thanx but no Spanx

Recently, a friend introduced me to the miracle invention of Spanx, the elastic half body pantyhose that sucks you in, creating an illusion of being about 10 pounds lighter than you really are in a sacrificial process that restricts breathing for the entirety of a date. Genius idea. And as I was full ready to test out any product that made me look and feel slimmer, the lucky guy I happen to be dating now has been my test-drive for this miracle product. Success or failure? You decide.

SPANX Round 1: On my first date, when we just met, we go to dinner and drinks at a nice restaurant. I wear the Spanx under a long tank and jeans. Consistently thinking about whether my jeans are sagging and you could potentially see the Spanx from the back when I'm walking away to the bathroom. NERVE-racking. I think I was safe. Mr. Date notices my pedicured toes, and decides to tickle my toes - 'odd' i think to myself, but I giggle at the tickling flirtatiously. Later, I go to sit next to Mr. Date, to watch a basketball game that was playing (initially behind me), and Mr. Date decides to tickle my side. SPANX ALERT: spanx make you feel rock hard, not the normal squishy, soft me, but this illusion of some kind of six pack underneath that tank, that is still taking many years of hard work to form. Some of you may be thinking, WHY WAS HE TICKLING you on a first date??? I have NO idea. But the point was, there was no flirtatious giggling this time. "Stop, haha, no, seriously, STOP." I think I actually got angry at one point. Spanx negative for sure.

But somehow Date 1 turned into many more dates. So a second round of Spanx ensued.

SPANX Round 2: I happen to be surrounded by very skinny, beautiful girl friends with near perfect bodies. Spanx are pretty much a must when going in public with them and members of the opposite sex simultaneously. So I get all beautified and spend a good 10 minutes squishing pieces of my soft and cuddly body into these form constricting life suckers, and go to dinner and drinks with the group. Then dilemma ensues. What do I do with the Spanx when I go back to Mr. Date's place? Screw granny panties, a guy finding a girl in Spanx won't even know what to do with himself, they are like a granny panty nightmare times ten! So my girlfriend tells me the tips:

1) If you have a big purse, go in the bathroom and put the Spanx in the purse before going anywhere with Mr. Date.
2) If you don't have access to a big purse, go to the bathroom and hide the Spanx under the sink, where Mr. Date is unlikely to look in the next 3-8 hours, and then put them back on in the morning before leaving.

Duly noted. So I'm in his bathroom, taking off the spanx with no big purse in sight. Tip 2 must take place. I look under the sink, and there is nowhere to hide, plus he has useful things down there like mouthwash, and computer game magazines that he is bound to use within the time frame of my stay. Panic strikes. I notice there is also a linen closet in the bathroom, with towels and such. I decide this is my safe place, and hide the Spanx securely on the top shelf underneath a big towel, and proceed to sleeping over.

The next morning, I drive home, spend the day with my exhausting family and curl up into bed. As I think about my day and all that I was supposed to do, I realize one tiny, little, super significant fact. I forgot the last part of my friend's spanx advice. The part where in the morning, I retrieve the Spanx from their hiding place and put them back on! I had left the Spanx on that top shelf, and knew that I probably wouldn't be over at Mr. Date's place for at least another week. HOLY CRAP. What if he needs that towel, and upon reaching for a pair of nude 'granny panty'-like pantyhose falls on his face? Would he confront me? Would he just never call me again? How can I retrieve them? How can I face being dumped for leaving my Spanx in someone's linen closet? Panic panic panic! After about 2 days of freaking out and no calls or texts from Mr. Date, I start becoming sure that it is over. The discovery of the Spanx are sure to be my doom and downfall, letting yet another man free into the non-spanx-mistake driven world.

Finally, I text an innocent, "how's it goin" text to test the waters and the response seems friendly and natural. So far the Spanx are undiscovered and safe. But I'll keep you posted, just in case.